Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
