I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
