I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
