i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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