I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I pour the whiskey from now on
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
