Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
