I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
