I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
