LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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