Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
