also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
