White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
