Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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