Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
