I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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