My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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