The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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