Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
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The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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