i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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