I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
