I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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