God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
