my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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