if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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