Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
