When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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