Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
