Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
