There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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