went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
