I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
