there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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