He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's just like the Real World with babies
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
