Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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