I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
