just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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