I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
