Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
