In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
