worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
