How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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