last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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