I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
how does that bad decision feel?
do nipples grow back?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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