Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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