Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
