Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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