guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
