i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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