thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
