had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
