I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
