I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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